The Coffeepot
by codenamepapabear
Summary: When an overeager guard discovers the coffeepot listening device, it's up to Hogan to lead Klink astray from the truth.


The day had started with just a standard barracks inspection, Klink's attempt at trying to put on a good show for visiting brass. Schultz and a particularly eager new corporal named Petersen had done a complete sweep of the barracks. Naturally, they found nothing. Everything was concealed so well even the Gestapo couldn't find it.

Then Petersen suggested searching Hogan's office, too.

Schultz put up just as much of a protest as Hogan did, knowing that he would be the first accused if anything was found. But the corporal, claiming a duty to the Fatherland, had ransacked Hogan's meager quarters. He found nothing suspicious except for a canister of shaving cream, a pinup magazine, and a curiously shaped coffeepot with wires inside.

The last, of course, captured the interest of the camp Kommandant, who hovered over it like an anxious mother vulture once it was placed before him by the overzealous Petersen. Hogan stood before his desk, awaiting the barrage of questions while trying to keep a lighthearted attitude. As Klink prodded the thing with the end of his riding crop, Hogan volunteered a suggestion. "Sir? It's a coffeepot."

"_I know what it is!"_ Klink snapped at him and shook his fist, monocle falling from his eye as he whipped around to glare at him. Hogan rescued the small cylinder of glass and tossed it back to him, and as Klink fumbled with the eyepiece he added another remark. "You seem nervous, sir. Is something wrong?"

"I'm not nervous. Don't be ridiculous!" Klink issued a weak refutation, staying steadfast in his denial for about three seconds. "Yes, Hogan, of course I'm nervous. I've come under investigation by the Gestapo!"

"You must be joking." Hogan paused. "...You're not joking."

Klink sank into his chair. "Hogan, _no one_ jokes about the Gestapo."

"What have they got on you?" He cleared his throat. "I mean, what do they suspect?"

"Black market activity! Just because the camp expenses don't balance out to the penny every single month, they think I'm some sort of _crook!_" Klink gave a melodramatic sigh, barely noticing as Hogan pilfered from the cigar box. "And I _don't_ need you and your men building illicit coffeepots in the barracks-" He took a closer look at the contraption, growing instantly suspicious. "Hogan, why is there a wire inside it? And what is that-" he pointed to the small lightbulb on the side- "that _bulb_ for?"

"Those parts are necessary for percolation, sir." Hogan was instantly worried, but hid it behind a facade of conciliatory explanation. The last thing he needed was Klink sniffing around their operation. "Don't you know what kind of coffeemaker this is?"

"Of course I know-" Klink puffed himself up, then wilted just as quickly. "Colonel Hogan, I barely knew there _were_ different kinds of coffeemakers."

"Well, it's natural that you wouldn't know this one. It's a Ziegelbaum-Carter coffeemaker, model J570. Newest prototype of the war!"

Klink hesitated. "_Ziegelbaum-Carter _coffeemaker?"

"Yes, sir. How quickly you grasp the situation!" Hogan snapped his fingers. "Following the groundbreaking work in coffee filtration by Professor Karl Ziegelbaum, of Münich- surely you've heard of him, sir?-"

Klink looked indignant. "Naturally I have!"

"-following that work, our own Sergeant Carter modified and improved the design. The bulb emits a special kind of ultraviolet light that purifies the coffee and improves its flavor." Hogan leaned forward over Klink's desk, interrupting his study of the coffeepot. "The wires are just to connect the power. Don't tell anyone about this innovative new design, though. Carter plans to sell these after the war."

"Oh, does he?" Klink looked pensive, then scheming. "Well, if it's such an _innovative new design_, why shouldn't I take the credit for myself and turn it over to the General Staff?"

Old Klink, always itching for that red stripe on his pants. Hogan held back a sigh and lifted a hand in warning. "Bad move, sir! Bad move." He got a bit closer. "Confidentially, I was thinking of offering you a role in Carter-Hogan Coffeeworks. With your skills, we could use a man like you to manage our company. What would we Allies know about true leadership?"

"Carter-Hogan Coffeeworks?" Klink repeated the name questioningly, then took the bait. Hogan watched as a grin lit up the German commander's face. What a sap. "Why shouldn't it be _Klink_-Carter-Hogan Coffeeworks?"

Hogan faked excitement at the idea. "Perfect, sir! Just what it needs. A touch of steadfast Teutonic credibility to make our customers trust us."

"Ja, ja. Perfect!" Klink was on the verge of rubbing his hands together in glee. Hogan took the opportunity to tuck the coffeepot under his arm and head towards the door. Crisis averted. "Thank you, sir, from the bottom of my heart. You've given me new hope for our business venture."

"Anytime, Hogan." Klink was left thinking he'd just gotten the deal of the century. "Anytime."

Hogan escaped the office with a wink to Hilda and a nod to Schultz, then headed back to the barracks. Once there, he found the barracks surprisingly devoid of the Unsung Heroes, but soon located them in his office, crowded around the coffeepot-

_The coffeepot?_

"Mon Colonel!" LeBeau was the first to greet him, pulling the plug from the side of the coffeepot and tucking it back inside. "What a magnificent scam! I've never heard such an excellent business proposition."

"Thanks." Hogan was still a bit bewildered. He set the rescued coffeepot on the table beside the other one. "We have _two_ of these?!"

"I built another." Kinch spoke up to explain. "Actually, the one you have is the old one. It's not functional anymore."

"I did all that for nothing?!" Hogan sighed and glanced at the ceiling, silently cursing himself. "Now Klink thinks he's part of the coffee industry, thanks to me!"

"I wouldn't call it nothing, sir." Newkirk grinned cheekily. "It was highly entertaining."

"I bet it was." Hogan shook his head. "What'd I even tell him?"

"Called it a Ziegelbaum-Carter coffeepot." Newkirk supplied this information readily, then turned towards Carter. "Hear that, Andrew? You're a bleedin' inventor."

"Golly." Carter contemplated that in respectful silence. "Y'know, I always had a knack for it. In shop class, my teacher used to say to me- Carter, he'd say, you good-for-nothing-"

Newkirk pushed Carter's hat down over his eyes, then paid attention as Hogan spoke up again. "From now on, we're going to keep an inventory list, so I don't have a heart attack anytime the Krauts find a piece of our operation."

"Good idea, sir." LeBeau reached for the spare coffeepot. "What do we do with this?"

Hogan shrugged, then turned and strode out of the room. "Make coffee in it, for all I care."


End file.
